A Suicidal Note

Have you ever thought of committing suicide? I have. There are times in this life that seem so hard, when the world seems to turn its back to you. I have had those times, too. There were moments in my life I wish I had never been born.

If you ask me about my favorite way to commit suicide, I’ll pick a headshot – clean, quick, and death for sure. I don’t want to make a mess with tightropes, pills, or knives. Fortunately, I don’t have any gun. 😀

A few years ago, I had this dream:
I was dead, somehow. I was flying out, looking down at my dead body. It was so real that I was a little bit shocked: how could I be dead? I didn’t remember any truck hit me or something like that. For a moment I was just floating above my body, watching everything with wonder. I didn’t know what to do, or where to go.
Then I saw them. My family and my friends: my mom, my bestest friends, were there, crying beside my dead body. They appeared to be so in grief. I asked them: why? Why are you crying for me? I am up here, fine at all. I am not harmed; you don’t have to worry about me now. But they couldn’t hear me. I yelled at them desperately, I screamed all over and over again, but they didn’t listen. I tried to touch them, to make them sure I was there, but I couldn’t. They were so far below me I couldn’t reach them.
I hated seeing them cry, so I began to cry myself. I’m sorry, I said. I’m so sorry, I’ve never meant to make you sad. Did you know that it’s me who wanted to die? Why do you care so much about me? Still, they couldn’t hear me. They didn’t understand.
And at the moment, I regretted. I regretted so much I wanted to die, I regretted I didn’t want to live any longer. What’s the point of death if it means I leave my family and friend in grief because of me? Then I heard a male voice from nowhere: You see, you wanted this. And I replied: I’m sorry. Had I known…. I looked around, trying to find whoever made the sound, but there was no one. I promise, I said, I promise, if you give me one more chance to live, I will never waste my life anymore. I will never want to die anymore. You promise? He said. Yes, I replied, yes, I do promise.
Then, with those words, I suddenly woke up. I found that I was weeping all the night. My pillow was wet, so were my eyes. I cried in my dream. But the dream felt so real. I could still hear the mysterious voice, promise.

When I told my mom and my friends about that dream, they said that I was very lucky to be given one more chance. They seemed so concerned. I laughed at them and said it was just a dream. But deep in my heart, I knew I was lucky. I believe it was the voice of my inner self, or my guardian angel, or even God Himself, who was trying to make me realize the meaning of life.

There are so many people beg for another chance in their life before they die, but they don’t get it; while me, I was not grateful for my almost-perfect life and just wished I had never been born. I believe the dream was a warning, a love-warning, about not to waste my life, because there are still a lot of things that are wonderful in this life, and life is worth living on.

If you ever intend to commit suicide, please think of people who will be sad if you die, people whose smile will be turned into tears by your death. Maybe you don’t love yourself, but be sure that there will be someone who will be happy only by seeing your smile.

I agree that life is hard, but life does go on. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. It’s just natural. Happiness will go on, so do problems. And if you think that being afraid of committing suicide is a kind of cowardly thing, you’re totally wrong, because what coward is committing suicide. You’re running away from your problems, and not facing them. Like Romeo and Juliet: it only needs a zap of courage to commit suicide like they did, but it takes a lifetime bravery to continue living on our own. They just took the easiest way to get out of their problem: death. And I think it’s coward. I do.

You might say I’m a hypo, but I am glad to say I was wrong. I thought life was meaningless. I was wrong. There’s still a lot of good things we can do, whoever we are. I’ve found that those who are more giving and caring in their life, are happier people than those who are only taking and expecting. So, if you think yourself is worthless, start giving the easiest and the most priceless thing you have: your smile. And don’t be surprised when the world smiles back at you.

Good luck in your life! I wish you all the best in your personal journey. 😀


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