A Summer Love

Tell me her name, I want to know
The way she looks and where you go
I need to see her face, I need to understand
Why you and I come to an end…
(Lara Fabian – Broken Vow)

“Actually, there is someone else…”

Did you remember the first time we met? I was looking for a friend, and you were looking for some fun. Fate was a funny thing, wasn’t it?

When someone breaks my heart, I always picture it in my mind. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being bludgeoned multiple times by a hammer, sometimes it feels like my heart is being stabbed by a sharp knife, or otherwise only being cut by a small knife. But then I tried to picture my heart and the effect you caused to it, I was surprised to find that I couldn’t. I couldn’t even feel my heart – is it still there or not? I feel – empty, but hurt as well.

I keep asking myself why – was it because I kept saying no? Was it because of something you found about me? Or was it because I was being myself?

Were you finally bored at me? Because, you see, we have reached that fucking 3 months limit of yours. So then, why did you say that you liked me? Why did you bother saying that I was different and you cared about me? Because in the end, it didn’t matter since you left.

“I feel that I care for you.”

Oh, how I wish you were not real. How I wish that you and I were just a dream that never happened. That way, I will just remember us as a dream that never come true. Every time I read your text message, every time I listen to your voice message, they always remind me that you were real, your words were real, and my feelings for you were real. They just remind me that you used to care for me, and now you’re gone. I couldn’t even bring myself to delete those messages, because I still have a silly hope that you will come back. I still couldn’t let the memories go.

“Don’t give up on me.”

I never give up on you, but you gave up on me like I never give up on you. Am I not worth a fight? Am I not even worth a goodbye? And then you asked me, “How does forever sound?”

“How does forever sound?

How does fucking forever sound? Because I liked that so much. I liked it so damn much I never thought someone would tell me such thing. Why did you like me, why did you tell me that I’m different? Why, if in the end you have to leave? When I finally decided to give it a try, when I finally thought maybe this time would be different, and maybe I could be happy once again, with you… Have you no idea that maybe I’ve fallen for you?

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind…
(Lady Antebellum – Need You Now)

I wait and wait for the time when the silence in the night won’t make me think of you, when certain love songs won’t make me feel like there’s a huge lump in my throat, or when other men I meet, I won’t compare them with you.

You’re the only one I could be open with, and still feel comfortable with afterwards. You’re the one who has already known my evil, and still said “senile, frigid, insensitive, inhibited anything, I’ll do it with you.”

I miss you so much and I don’t know what to say
I should be over you, I should’ve known better but it’s just not the case…
(Brian McKnight – 6, 8, 12)

It takes a lot of courage to even say “I miss you” because by saying those words, means that I admit that you were real and that you have left me without me knowing why.

It seems that I’m fooling myself again, for keeping the hope and not using my logical thinking.

I think you have broken my heart…

How can I move on when I’m still in love with you?
(The Script – The Man Who Can’t Be Moved)

Should I hate you for it? I have tried, but I’ve missed you more than I thought I’m capable of.

And I’m dying to know
Is it killing you, like it’s killing me?
(Taylor Swift – The Story of Us)

It took me a moment before realizing that no matter how much you love someone, it will never be enough if he or she doesn’t love you back.

The way I feel for you is unlike any other thing I’ve ever felt before…
(Andrew Garcia – Crazy)

Our moments together were – perfect. I have never felt so accepted before. You made me feel cared for, no matter what I think or I do, you just cared about me for what I am. And, haven’t I told you that you were the only person that I could be open with and still feel comfortable with afterwards?

Should I say goodbye and thanks for the memories and let you go? Because I am not ready yet, and I don’t know when I will be ready.

Even the sun sets in paradise…
(Maroon 5 – Payphone)

Now I know, there will be no forever – at least not for us. Forever only belongs in fairy tales and chick flicks. Real life doesn’t have it. I may quit. You may quit. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes bad things just happen.
Ours was just another summer love. I was only another girl in your life, and you were only a chapter in my biography. But then, why can’t I bring myself to turn the page?

And same as usual, my only way out is to bail myself out. Because that is what I am – a fearful coward who doesn’t even have the courage to end my feelings for you.

“I feel like if I were given chance, I’d try to make you happy.”
“But I’m happy enough.”
“Honey, if someone says he or she is happy enough, you know that something is wrong. You are either happy or unhappy, but you can never be ‘happy enough’.”

Loving you is easy, hating you is even easier; but I guess it’s up to me, isn’t it?


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