It’s been a year and I have to take the courage to take a step
I will no longer wait nor look back, hoping you would come
As I once said, “Life goes on; don’t get stuck”
Hence, I will move on and leave this letter for you…
“See, apparently I can live without you. I just didn’t want to. I just thought that I couldn’t. You make me realize that I can, and so be it.
You’re my Richard Parker, and so be it.
You left me without ever turning back, without ever saying goodbye or explaining why.
Perhaps I would never understand why, and so be it.
Live, live on your own, as I will live on my own.”
“I don’t want you to be happy without me
I want you to need me as much as I need you
To be the only one for you, forever and ever
I want you to never forget me
I want you to always dream about me
I want you not to be able to live without me.”
“I dreamed of you and you weren’t even there…
I looked into your eyes but you were not there…
You smiled to me and I didn’t feel anything…
We were breaking apart and I didn’t feel anything…”
“And someday I’d like you to see how happy I could be without you, how far I could make it without you.
But suddenly I realize that after all this time, maybe you’ve been happy without me, you’ve gone too far without me, so that you wouldn’t mind coming back and checking on me anymore.
Because that’s the main concern: how important was I for you?
And apparently it’s not quite that much as I wanted to, because you didn’t even bother saying goodbye when you left…”
“I didn’t wanna love you! I didn’t wanna fall for you. But guess what? It happened anyway. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you, and now it’s already too late to stop.
My life was perfect before you. I had everything I need; I had everything I’ve ever thought I wanted. But then you came and you ruined everything. You messed up with my life. And suddenly, it was not as perfect as I thought it was. Hell, I don’t even miss my life before you. I don’t know how I survived without you, because you are more than anything I’ve ever wanted or needed. I think you’re ruined my life, in a good way.”
“Kenapa nggak pernah cerita?”
Meskipun saya sudah menerima dan memaafkan diri saya sendiri, tetapi belum tentu orang lain bisa. I cannot take that risk, sebab itu bukan sesuatu yang bagus, bukan sesuatu yang hebat untuk diceritakan. Itu bukan sesuatu seperti “Saya dulu ranking 1 di kelas” atau “Saya sudah bisa membaca sejak umur 3 tahun.” Itu adalah sesuatu yang tidak membanggakan, sesuatu yang merusak, sesuatu yang menorehkan perasaan tidak berharga serta membenci diri sendiri.
Dia adalah satu-satunya orang yang menerima saya apa adanya. Ketika saya memberitahukan mengenai hal itu kepada dia, I had nothing to lose. Anyway, siapa sih dia waktu itu? We were nothing. Saya tidak peduli dia akan men-judge saya seperti apa, sebab kami bukan siapa-siapa. Toh tidak ada manusia yang suci.
And he said “So what?”. He didn’t care at all. Dia berkata bahwa suatu saat nanti saya akan mengenangnya sebagai satu-satunya orang yang mengenal serta menerima saya apa adanya, yang menyukai saya sebagaimana saya adanya, dengan segala hal-hal jelek dan negatif yang melekat pada diri saya. He said that ‘he sees me as what I am’.
And I was so happy. Saya muak dengan semua orang yang hanya mengetahui sisi-sisi baik saya, yang berteman dengan saya hanya karena saya baik dan sebagainya. Saya bosan disukai karena orang bilang saya baik, rajin, dan sebagainya. Saya ingin seseorang yang mengenal saya karena kejelekan saya, ketidakbaikan saya, and still be there for me. Saya ingin seseorang berkata, “I’ve known your evil, but I’m not gonna run away. I still want to be with you.”
He was no saint, and so was I. We both had our own evil, and I was crazy about it. I’ve fallen for him, badly. The only person who had accepted me for what I was. Never in my life had I met someone like that before.
Dan meskipun saya seringkali bersikap jahat, he coped with that. I could tell him anything I wanted to; I could tell him anything I’ve never told anyone else before, because it’s that easy with him. Sebab dia bilang, “Is there something wrong with telling me everything?” Dan saya tidak bisa menemukan satu alasan pun untuk menyanggah argumennya.
No one could ever replace you. But on the other hand, no one could also replace me. So I guess we’re even, aren’t we?
I tried hard to hold on to you. I never wanted to say goodbye. But you know what? I’m tired, eventually. They told me to let you go; that I’m damaging myself by holding on to you. Maybe they’re right, because I’ve fallen for you so deep that it hurts. But then, who will love me in return? Because you certainly don’t. I won’t be here forever, you know. I will move on, eventually, either it’s because I’m finally tired of waiting or I finally could hate you enough to leave.
I keep asking myself: what else would you want me to do for you; what else would you suppose me to be; and how much should I change so you could want me back like I want you? Even half, or one-third, or even a tiny bit; it will do. But you will never come back, will you?
That’s why I’m writing this, so that when I finally get the strength to move on from you, and maybe when you finally wonder what has happened to me after a long time, you would come back to this place and look for me. But by then, I would have been gone, because I have to move on. I have to go on with my life like nothing has ever happened between us two, because you clearly didn’t want me enough to stay. You didn’t fight for me. Then you might read this letter and you would understand why I couldn’t wait forever. Because it’s too painful to wait while there’s only little chance of you thinking about me the same way I couldn’t easily forget about you and about us.
And so, I decide to let you go, because there’s no point in waiting for somebody who won’t be coming back. There’s no point in waiting for someone who has already moved on and left me behind. I have to keep walking, no matter how hard it would be, because there’s no point in waiting anymore….
The one who came to teach, but not to stay…
My Richard Parker…