Merry Christmas, C


Dear C,

How are you? I’d always like to picture you being fine and happy somewhere, because we have never had any chance to say goodbye before we went our separate ways.

.

C,

How long has it been? Four? Five? I still smile every time I remember us and our sweet, silly conversations. Time runs fast indeed, doesn’t it?

.

C,

I met someone. He’s very funny and kind and smart and I could spend hours talking to him without ever running out of topic, because, like he said, we didn’t need any topic—we just talked, and when we talk, it feels like having a conversation with someone I’ve been looking for my entire life: it feels like home.

He accepts me in ways I could not even do myself. He loves me in ways I could not even begin to imagine. He loves me so much that I even think that, if there’s a person who could love me that much, then why couldn’t I love myself, even only for a bit?

He loves me even when I’m ugly and broken. I was ruined, but he could still see through the shattered pieces and said that I was beautiful. I thought I needed to be fixed, but he said that there was nothing to be fixed because I was already perfect the way I was.

.

C,

I think I’m in love. For real. I loved you, and I had loved some guy before you, but I love him in ways I’ve never thought I was capable of. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. He makes me want to take the risk of falling in love again, no matter how much it might hurt later, because loving him is just worth it. Being with him feels so right, I would put up with any ‘what if’ that might come in the future.

.

C,

Isn’t it funny that we both are two very logical persons, yet we couldn’t find any logical reason to fall in love with each other? Sure, we already theorized about those chemical reactions and psychological reasons, but they came much later after we’ve been deeply in love with each other.

.

C,

I am healed. I am healed, even though I didn’t even know that I had been broken. And it’s because he made me a better person—a much, much better person than I was.  The naïve young girl you used to know has now grown into a strong, beautiful woman; because she is loved by the right man.

I can finally love myself now, C. I never used to, but he showed me that someone could still love me for who I am, that someone could still accept me with all my ugly sides. And so I learned to accept and to forgive myself, and I learned that there are things we could never change no matter how hard we try.

I love him, C. I love him with all I have, and I am so happy that I met him, that I get a chance to love someone as deeply as I love him. I thought I wasn’t able to love again after you, C, but I was wrong. These feelings—my feelings for him, are real, and I will fight for it.

.

C,

I don’t know if you’d read this, but I know that I would forever be grateful that we met, even if it was just for a moment. I am glad that I get to know you, and that you taught me that no matter how broken I am, I still deserve to be happy and loved.

.

C,

If someday someone asks me why I love him, I would tell them to read this letter, so that they could understand why I love him so dearly.

.

Merry Christmas, C.
You will forever be my Richard Parker.

.

Goodbye,

S

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