One Year Later :)

Trigger Warning: self-harm, suicidal thoughts.

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In March-June last year I was at the lowest point in my life, where I went to sleep every night wishing I wouldn’t have to wake up the next day, and woke up every morning despising why I hadn’t just died in my sleep.

Dark, dark moments, spending the day hating my own existence, doubting my self-worth, questioning my past decisions. I lost 9-10 kilograms in three months, I thought I had cancer.

The sentence I kept telling myself was, “Hang in there, dear, you just have to live one more day, and one more day, and one more day… and I promise at this time next year, you’ll be fine again.” It was like a mantra I brainwashed myself with, and that was how I went through every excruciating second I wished was non-existent.

Every morning and night I stared at my reflection in the mirror and greeted myself, “Good morning, Sari, you look better today,” (even though I looked like shit every time) and “Good night, I promise you’ll be able to sleep peacefully tonight.” I forced myself to smile at me every time, no matter how ugly the smile was.

I finally understood why some people cut themselves, because apparently there is a certain type of mental pain that is far worse than the physical one, and cutting might be able to ease the former. I understood why some people choose death than continue living in pain…

However, I promised myself that I would never cross that line, and I was a hard-headed, strong-willed person… I still am.

Thankfully I re-found Ajahn Brahm and I spent 7-8 hours a day listening to him and his Australian accent. I learned how to stay in the present and make peace with things I could not control. To say that Ajahn Brahm had saved my life is an understatement.

Now, exactly one year later, as I recalled those moments, I feel grateful. I feel grateful that life has thrown me some shit that made me, me. I am now stronger than before, stronger than I ever knew I could. I survived, and just like I promised myself a year ago, I am fine again. 🙂

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This is the commemoration of me finding myself again, because only through the darkest of times, one can truly befriend themselves.

May this piece be a reminder of my strength and worth, also the family and friends I can count on.

This, too, shall pass. 🙂