Imperfect Love(r)

Love is when our evil is compatible with other’s.

All of us have flaws. We realize it, we recognize our flaws, and we try to improve it. Subconsciously, we know the fact that everybody has flaws, admitted or not. Even if they seem perfect, we know that the flaws are there, hidden somewhere. So why do we always try to find “someone perfect”?

“Love occurs where there is a mutually compatible sense of selfish indulgence.” – Xenocrates (@accordingtoxen)

How often do we see an “imbalanced” relationship that ends because of insecurity? How often do we hear people say that they want “someone perfect” and spend lots of time finding them, only to chicken out when they finally find someone categorized as “perfect”? Or, how often do we see “a perfect pair” breaks up long before “a just ordinary pair”?
Believe it or not, we long for an imperfect lover. In fact, no one wants to be “the less perfect one” in a relationship. Our ego forbids that. We are too selfish to pair ourselves with someone who’s much more “superior” to us. An Omega can never handle being in a relationship with an Alpha.

“Nobody wants someone perfect, even if they say they do. No one can handle being in a relationship with someone ‘perfect’.” – Xenocrates (@accordingtoxen)

“You are not perfect but you’re perfect for me” is just another way to say “I have things you don’t have, so do you. So we’re on the same level and I can handle that.”
Everyone wants to say “blahblahblah but I love you” or “I love you even though blahblahblah” Makes them feel like they’ve done something noble. I personally think that this is just a form of ego-defense mechanism.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

Instead of looking for “someone perfect”, we actually look for someone who is “as bad as we are”, someone whose flaws we can tolerate – because everyone has their flaws, we only get to choose which flaw we could live with. We want to feel safe and secure, that our partner is just as imperfect as we are, so that our partner has little chance to leave us for someone more perfect. And it is vice versa. That’s why relationship between two very different people is less likely to last compared to relationship between people who have a lot in similar.

“Therefore, in proportion as knowledge attains to distinctness, consciousness is enhanced, pain also increases, and consequently reaches its highest degree in man; and all the more, the more distinctly he knows, and the more intelligent he is. The person in whom genius is to be found suffers most of all.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

Regarding insecurity, intelligent people are more insecure than people with lower intelligence. They have “too much to think, too much to lose”, bigger ego, and sometimes more sensitive feelings. That’s why we find such people are less happy in their life, even if we see them as “having a perfect life.”

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” – Ernest Hemingway

A hierarchy of needs by Abraham Maslow

As seen in the picture above, it’s clear that safety needs come before love needs. Then – how could we love someone if we don’t feel safe being with them? Feeling safe being with them; one of the reasons is because both of us are on the same level of imperfection.

“We love because we want to be loved in return.” – Xenocrates (@accordingtoxen)

It took me a moment before realizing that no matter how much you love someone, it will never be enough if he or she doesn’t love you back.

It’s true. It only runs subconsciously, and not everyone realizes it, let alone admits it. Some masks it with the term “unrequited love” but there is no such thing between a man and a woman. We long to be loved. It’s in our nature. If they don’t love us back, what do we do? We ensure ourselves that it’s their loss, not us. Or, if not, we put ourselves in a “victim” position. Yes, we pity ourselves so that we could feel better about it. Again, our ego acts. We can hardly accept the fact that maybe we are just “not compatible” with them.

“Why do we settle for less than we deserve?” – Nicky Paris (@TheNickyParis)

Do not trick yourself into finding someone “perfect”. They do not exist, and will never exist. Instead, look for someone who’s imperfect, whose flaws you can tolerate and who can accept yours, makes you happy as you make him/her happy, and loves you back as you love him/her. 🙂

 

Some good thoughts worth reading:
http://xenlogic.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-problem-with-falling-in-love.html
http://www.nickyparis.com/site/you-deserve-better/